Justice League of America (1997) Review (With Linkara)
(We start with Nash in his room) Nash: What? Green Lantern bombed? How do you do that?! How do you screw up a concept as simple as Green Lantern? That's like screwing up digesting jello! Damn it, DC! No, no, it's all right. Justice League movie is coming, and there is no way you can ruin a concept as simple as the Justice League. (Linkara now comes into the feed, sitting on his couch) Linkara: You wanna bet? Nash: (he looks around, then back to the camera) Did I leave my camera on? Linkara: Yyyep. Nash: Um...how long? Linkara: Don't worry sir, I didn't see you playing with your dolls again, sir! Nash: Funny. Linkara: Oh, you want me to tell them what you were really doing? Hey everybody, when no one's around, Nash likes to dress up as--! Nash: (interrupting) Okay, okay. Did you have a reason for lurking, or were you going for your electronic creeper merit badge? Linkara: What, you mean you really don't know? Nash: Know what? Linkara: About the original Justice League movie. Nash: You're saying words, but all I hear is crazy. Linkara: Seriously? Hey, I thought you'd know, having been in high school in the 90s and all. You know, 20 years ago. (Nash is silent) Way back. (Nash still silent) Before the internet. (still silent) Last century. (the two look at each other a bit) You're old. Nash: I get it! Linkara: Hey, I'm just surprised that you haven't heard of it before. It was all over the place. Nash: Like where, for example? Linkara: Oh, you know, comic conventions, and um...comic conventions! And um... Nash: Comic conventions? Linkara: See? Everywhere! Nash: Okay, so you're telling me that a production studio made an actual Justice League of America movie and it never aired? Is it that bad? Linkara: You wanna find out? (creepy smile on his face) Nash: No. No I don't. Linkara: Are you suuure? Nash: Yes, I'm very sure. (Linkara stares at him for several seconds with that creepy smile before Nash gives in) Okay okay, fine! Stop looking at me like that! Linkara: I knew you'd come around. Or die of a coronary, I've had both reactions. (The movie starts up) Linkara (vo): We open up on--(the word "Justice" zooms in) Linkara: Oh god! (diving out of the way) (Then "League" zoomes in, making Nash and Linkara duck to avoid it, then once more when "of America" zooms in) Linkara: (getting up) And somehow that's still better 3D than the Last Airbender. (We get a shot of our city, New Metro, USA) Nash (vo): Okay, so after that, (now a shot of the Eno Meteorological Institute) we head to the completely nondescript New Metro City, in the Eno Meteorological Institute, where we meet Dr. Eno himself, played by Miguel Ferrer. You might know him from every TV villain role ever. (Dropping some files accidentally is one of our main characters, Tori Olavsdottir) Linkara (vo): And this is Tori Olafsdotter. She'll be our clutzy geek girl for the film. Tori: You know sir, I-I'm not even sure I should come. You're much better at that sort of thing. Me, on the other hand... Eno: An attractive, intelligent researcher who's gonna knock 'em dead. Tori: Well, I-I think that's your department. You know, the knock-em-dead part, not the attractive. Well, no, I'm not saying, ah, you're not attractive, heh. (next scene is of her walking away, smacking her head) Dumb, dumb, dumb. Nash (vo): What a coincidence, I thought the same thing. (Barry Allen is shown sitting in an interview room. Under his name it says "Unemployed" for his job, then "Flash" as his secret identity) Barry: Now, I'm a nice guy, I think, you know. I like to go, uh, eat sushi sometimes, I like to go to the park, have a little picnic and stuff. I don't know... Nash: (holding a hand out) Wait wait wait. What was that? Did we flip over to Jersey Shore? (he smacks the remote, then points it at the camera) Linkara: Nope, that's just the framing device for the movie. Nash: (still holding the remote) ...What? Linkara: Yeah, the entire movie is intersperesed with these bits where the Justice League sit and talk to an interviewer off-camera. Nash: (putting the remote away) But don't they have secret identities? Linkara: Oh yeah. Nash: Then who are they talking to? Linkara: We never find out. Nash: Could you just go ahead and give me that coronary? Linkara (vo): We see the Flash--yes, this really is the Flash--getting evicted from his apartment after losing his job. Landlord: Tell it to somebody who cares. (throwing out Barry's clothes, as well as a vcr) Nash (vo, as Barry) Not cool, man! (normal voice) Back at the Eno Institute, a storm is brewing. Literally. (Tori is looking at a storm front passing on the computer) Tori: Dr. Eno should see this. Eno: See what? Tori: Oh, uh, wind speeds topping 210, we're right off the Saffir-Simpson scale. Eno: Hurricane in New Metro. Tori: Hm. First one on record. Linkara (vo, dull surprise) Oh, we could all die. Who will save us? (Our villain for the story, the Weatherman, is broadcasting a video) Weatherman: Good afternoon New Metro, this is the Weatherman with today's forecast. In case you hadn't noticed, it's windy out. It's very windy. Those gusts are up to 200 miles per hour, and I'm afraid it's the beginning of a severe weather trend. Nash (vo): And their response to Osama bin Fremen? Friendly camraderie. Tori: You mean, uh, like "outside" out? Eno: Can't spend your life in front of a computer, Tori. Linkara (vo): Of course not. World of Warcraft won't be invented for another decade! (we go to our next scene as Guy Gardner sings opera to his girlfriend) Meanwhile, Green Lantern Guy Gardner is--oh you are kidding me! Nash: That...was Guy Gardner? Linkara: (ashamed) I, uh, I'm afraid so. Nash: But...but (pictures of the actual Guy Gardner are shown) Guy Gardner is loud, and angry, and obnoxious, and ginger! This is the guy who really got kicked out of the Green Lantern Corps, stole Sinestro's yellow ring in order to keep his-- (before he can go on, the Continuity Alarm buzzes in) Did I set off the Continuity Alarm? Linkara: You did, in fact, set it off, yes. (he reaches over to turn the alarm off) Nash: I don't know whether I'm proud or sad. Linkara: I think the fact you can't decide is answer enough. (Nash was about to say something, but then remains silent) Sheila: Oh, Guy. Guy: Sheila, I'm gonna be here more often for you in the future, I promise. (Guy's watch begins beeping) Starting real soon. (he gets up to leave) Sheila: Guy, don't wal--! (Guy turns back and waves his fingers back at her) Nash (vo) Do-do-douche! (The next character, B.B. Da Costa, aka Fire, is shown in the interview room) Linkara (vo): The character introduction trainwreck continues as we're presented with Fire, a superhero and also aspiring actress. (B.B. comes into the room dressed in a banana suit. Yes, really.) Banana (from Don Hertzfeldt's Rejected): I am a banana! (The camera pans over to a man in a strawberry suit tap dancing on stage) Linkara (vo): I'd, uh, just like to take a moment and reassure our viewers that you are in fact seeing a dancing strawberry in a JLA movie, and are not having a stroke. Nash (vo): Even if you wished you were. Fire manages to stumble into the arms of Martin, played by David Krumholtz. His superpower is the ability to have a career after this movie. (B.B.'s watch begins beeping as she awkwardly gets out of Martin's arms) B.B.: I, uh, gotta split. Sorry. Linkara (vo): You get it? Split? Banana split? Ho, movie, where does your wit and charm start? (Next in the interview room is Ray Palmer, aka The Atom) Nash: And we have one more for our cast. Ray Palmer, the Atom, played by John Kassir. You may remember him as the voice of the Cryptkeeper...and absolutely nothing else. (Ray's trying to teach science class while the hurricane is going on outside) Ray: The most fascinating aspect of the photosynthesis process is...(the class is more interested in the hurricane) I'm the only one who's fascinated by it. Linkara (vo): You're talking about photosynthesis and there's a freaking hurricane outside! What do you think? (We cut to outside where a child is running with a toy sailboat in a puddle...in the hurricane) Nash (vo): We then see a mother and child playing in the hurricane. The one meteorologists pick up on radar a long while a go. Methinks someone's looking for an easy way of losing "mommy's little mistake." (Just as a phone pole's about to crash on the kid, Green Lantern whips the pole out of the way of the kid) Devo: (from "Whip It"): Crack that whip! Mother: Thank you, Green Lantern! GL: Just get him someplace safe! Linkara (vo): Like child services! (Contractors are outside at work...in a hurricane...when a concrete slab falls on them as they duck for cover) Nash (vo): And even more people continue to be outside working in the hurricane. Did natural selection take a holiday? (Fire burns a hole in the concrete to free the workers) Fire: (can't make out what she's saying) Linkara (vo): What a bitch. (Now a little old lady's trying to get her cat out from under the porch...in the hurricane) Nash (vo): Next we see...oh come on are we really doing this? Linkara (vo) Yep, the Atom is rescuing a little old lady's kitty from the storm. (Atom begins to shrink down) Later, you'll realize they wasted money on this effects shot instead of an actual supervillain battle. Well, if your frontal lobe hasn't become yogurt by then. (the kitty does eventually come out of the porch) (The Flash runs into the next scene, then begins speeding by rapidly) Nash (vo): In all of this, the Flash is the only one to do anything superheroic. He runs counter the hurricane and dissipates it. (Flash now runs into an alley, the storm now over) And now the Justice League leap into finding the culprit. Ray: Good work, Flash. Flash: Great, who do we save next? Guy: Storm's over, we're done rescuing people for the day. Ray: What was that all about? Flash: I don't know. You think that Weatherman's for real? Ray: Nobody can manipulate the weather, it's impossible. Flash: No, finding a job is impossible. Linkara (vo): Oh Nash, you ignorant dumbass. Don't you know a man who can cause hurricanes isn't compelling storytelling? Searching want ads? That's what an audience wants from superheroes. Barry: Look I'm trying, okay? It doesn't come for me as easy as it comes for you guys. Ray here's oozing with brains, why he could do whatever he wanted. (to Guy) And you got the gift of gab. And you could sell ice to eskimos. But me, what are my special skills? Nash (vo) Gee, I dunno, maybe the ability to move faster than the human eye? This man can read the entire Library of Congress in the amount of time it takes me to fart, and he's whining that he can't find a job. Where'd I put my world's smallest violin? (We go back to Tori who discovers a briefcase) Linkara (vo): Meanwhile, back at the plot. Nash (vo): There's a plot? Linkara (vo): Shut up. Meanwhile, Tori is working late at the weather lab when she finds a hidden steel briefcase. So of course she respects the privacy of her coworkers and leaves it alo-- (nope, she pops it open) oh, wait, I forgot what we were watching. (A device pops out of the briefcase, which has a microphone and a couple of vials filled with blue liquid. Tori is startled, knocking a bottle of water over which makes a cloud of blue smoke wash over her) Nash (vo): Instant superpowers, just add water. (Tori puts a beaker away, only for it to freeze up) Linkara (vo): Yes, Tori gains ice powers from pouring water into a box of weather control...science-y stuff. (a man is drowning in a lake. Tori steps in to try and rescue him, though the lake begins to freeze solid, saving the man) This makes being bitten by a radioactive spider look plausible! Man: How'd that happen? (We're back to Ray in the interview room, then into the gang watching Ray shrunk down trying to fix the TV) Nash (vo): But again it would seem what audiences really want is to watch superheroes repair appliances, because the Atom uses his increible shrinking powers to...attempt to fix the TV. Guy: Hey, hurry up. We're gonna missed Touched By An Angel. Linkara (vo): And other fine programming from CBS. CBS: because granny needs TV, too! (Ray connects the wires, but that ends up shocking him) Ray: Unplug the set! (A repairman's now working on the tv, handing the back panel to Ray, who's shirt is scorched from being electrocuted) Linkara (vo): Okay, Ray Palmer, super scientist, just electrocuted himself fixing a television! And he gets shown up by a repairman who fixes the TV with a piece of gum. Why am I showing you this? Because it's a freaking plot point! Nash (vo): Fun fact: the Chekhov's Gun screenwriting technique is rivaled only by the Hubba Bubba Gambit. Linkara (vo): But Nash, if they don't fix the TV, how will they get a visit from the Plot Convenience Fairy? Reporter: ...New Metro Evening. Thomas Kinsey was saved from drowning when Lake Abernak suddenly turned to ice. Nash (vo): In other news, all local fishermen have lost their jobs, New Metro economy devastated, riots in the streets. And now sports. (Tori is sleeping fitfully before a knock on the door wakes her up. Of course, she then gets gassed by someone holding a mask. When she wakes up, she's alone in a dark room with one light) Nash (vo): Does this smell like chloroform to you? Linkara (vo): How many times have you used that joke? Nash (vo): Oy, don't judge, Mr. I-Am-A-Man! Voice: Don't be afraid, Tori. Tori: Who are you? What do you want? Linkara (vo): (mocking Tori) Where did my underwear go? Voice: How did you freeze the river? (the lights come on a bit more, showing the news report from earlier in the background Tori: I don't know what you're talking about! I-It's impossible! (as she says that, a glass of water freezes solid) T-that isn't me! Nash (vo): (mocking Tori) I never learned to cross-fade! Linkara (vo): But Tori objects to being, you know, kidnapped, so they knock her out again and take her home. The JLA thinks she may be the Weatherman-- Nash: (interrupting) Waitwaitwait. The Weatherman? Isn't there already a DC based weather villain? Linkara: Oh yeah, the Weather Wizard. Long time foe of the Flash, showed up here and there around the DC Universe, once fought the Quik Bunny. Nash: Okay, so why not use him instead of "the Weatherman?" Or, for that matter, why not use a classic JLA villain like Dr. Destiny, or Amazo, or Starro? Linkara: Nash, they turned Guy Gardner into a metrosexual, Barry Allen into "the Situation," and the Atom into Bill Nye the Science Guy. Imagine for a minute what they'd do with someone like Starro the Conqueror. (Nash looks up to ponder, and we get a clip of Starfish Hitler from Kamen Rider X) Nash: I'll shut up now. Linkara (vo): Back at work, Dr. Eno is acting a little...funny. Tori: I think he's up to something. Eno: I'll look into it. Tori: But sir, still, I, you know, it's just a feeling, not-not based on anything, I would hate to...are you alright? Eno: Fine Nash (vo): I just have to go turn into the Hulk now, excuse me. (Outside, Eno's leaning on a stair rail) Kid: Oh, look at that hand, it's green! (Eno's hand has indeed turned green, which he tries to hide) Nash (vo): Wait, he is turning into the Hulk? I'm freaking psychic! (Another Eno in a black suit is shown walking to the lab) Linkara (vo): And hey look, he just passed himself walking into work. If you weren't confused yet, the movie is happy to fix that. (B.B. is now talking to Martin) Nash (vo): Fire thinks she has an audition with a French director, but it turns out to be Martin, who seems to be trying to unlock the Inept Stalker achievement. Martin: Well, I do know that you're between boyfriends, now, a-and sometimes you get lonely. I'm looking for that perfect someone, a soulmate and, and...your standards are so high you ever wonder if you're gonna find them. B.B.: How do you know that? Linkara (vo): Oh, y'know, rifling through your trash, keylogging your computer, stealing your panties, the usual ways. (Guy is walking down with his girlfriend) Nash (vo): Back with Green Lantern he's...having woman trouble. Who the hell wrote this? Aaron Spelling? Sheila: Come on. You can't fool me. Guy: I can't? Sheila: No. I know what you really are. Guy: You do? Nash (vo, mocking Guy): She knows I'm gay? (Guy and several others look up at a monitor where the Weatherman is making his next appearance) Linkara (vo): But just as Guy's trying to patch together his love life, the Weatherman strikes a single city square with...(the square begins getting pelted by hailstones) hail. (sarcastic) Way to step up your game, Weatherdude. (Guy runs off again, leaving Sheila to curl up on the ground, shielding herself from the hailstones. GL comes in with an umbrella coming from his ring) Nash (vo): The Green Lantern saves his girl from being...lightly annoyed with a handy umbrella. Sheila: At least there's one gentleman left. Linkara (vo): How does she not know that's Guy? (meanwhile, Fire is sending, well, fire into the air to melt the hailstones into rain) Same hair, same face, same voice. Is Green Lantern trying to score with the dumbest woman in the city? Atom: Look at Fire, she's turning the hail storm into rain. Nash (vo): Is your superpower stating the obvious? Linkara (vo): Back at the JLA's headqua...um, apartment, the team gets new orders from the TV set. Hey guys, didn't work for Carol Anne in Poltergeist, probably won't work for you. B.B.: But if it's him, he's been pretty slippery. How are we supposed to get to him? TV: He'll be at Eno's fundraiser this afternoon to unveil something, let's find out what it is. Atom? Ray: Yes, sir? TV: The computer files might prove to be of particular interest. Ray: Consider it done. TV: Let's hope Hopke is the man we're looking for. We can't afford any more changes in the weather. I now return you to your regularly scheduled program. Nash (vo): Apparently the team is being led by...Comcast. Linkara (vo): So the JLA sneak into the Institute fundraiser, but as Green Lantern is meant to be keeping lookout for the Atom, he runs into his girlfriend. But of course, he keeps doing his--(nope, he goes after Sheila, pissing off Linkara)--how stupid are you!? (Ray shrinks down to get under a laser tripwire) Nash (vo): Well the Atom goes snooping, but he encounters some security so he...um...hm? (Instead of just going under the beam, he decides to limbo under it with tropical music playing) Nash: (In shock of the stupidity he just saw) Okay, th-there has got to be a way to make that scene make sense. I got it. Describe it to me again. Linkara: Uh, the Atom shrinks down and limbos under the lasers... Nash: (He bonks himself on the head with a hammer. Not the usual claw hammer though) Again. Linkara: The Atom shrinks down and limbos-- Nash (interrupting) No, still stupid. (he bonks himself again, then motions for Linkara to say it once more) Again. Linkara: The Atom limbos under-- Nash: (interrupting once more) No, stupid! (Nash bonks himself once more, then motions for him to say it again, with a grunt) Linkara: The Atom limbos-- Nash: (quite thoroughly brain damaged) I like moocow! Linkara: Are you okay? Nash: Fish! Linkara (vo): Well the Atom finds the files that reveal the plans for the Weatherman's magical box of science, but he's interrupted by Tori. Ray: Hardwired satellite feed? Tori: Some science teacher. (Ray is quite busted in the act) Ray: It's not what you think! Nash (vo, now recovered from brain damage): I was just looking at porn! Wait... Well after showing her the plans, the Atom slips by security, but this happens. (Ray's in the interview room) Ray: Sometimes I would get big again, but part of me would stay small. Linkara (vo): Wonder if there's any woman who ever fell for that. Nash (vo): That night, Tori goes to show the plans to Dr. Eno, but she makes a shocking discovery! Weatherman: Hello, New Metro. Now pay attention. There's some stormy weather ahead and I'm afraid you're in for a bumpy ride. (as Tori goes to investigates, the Weatherman's voice starts to overlap with Dr. Eno's) As you can see from this morning's forecast, we're looking at isolated showers. (we now see that it really is Dr. Eno with a camera pointed at him on a harness in front of a green screen) But the way I see it, well, the sun won't rise. (Dr. Eno looks over and sees he's found out by Tori) Linkara (vo, mock surprise) *gasp* The well known character actor was really the villain? M. Night Shyamalan (from Robot Chicken): What a twist! (Dr. Eno's trying to open a door Tori's holding shut, though she freezes it) Nash (vo): Yes, she freezes the door solid, along with his hand. (Eno pulls his hand away from the door once it gets too cold) But, since this is CBS, the number of fingers he loses and the number of brain cells are identical: zero. (Martin is talking to B.B. once more like the creeper he is) Linkara (vo): Martin returns to stalk Fire anew. This guy must collect restraining orders like baseball cards. Martin: I knew we had a lot in common! I bet you like taking long, leisurely walks... B.B: Along the waterfront, how do you know that? Nash (vo, speaking like a knight): Why, through the magic of tapping your phone, fair lady. Linkara (vo): Oh, but he's not done. He has a special gift for her! (Martin opens a box containing gold seashell earrings) Nash: He went to K-Mart? Linkara: He went to K-Mart? Nash: Aww, he went to K-Mart! (beat) Creep. (B.B.'s in the interview room) Linkara (vo): Fire gets called away for an exciting action scene, but rather than show you, they'll just let this woman describe it to you. Female reporter: Cambril Bluffs almost became Cambril Falls today when a freak rainstorm turned the cliff behind me into a wall of mud. But another Weatherman disaster was averted by Fire, baking the hillside in the nick of time. Nash (vo): Because it's not like film is a visual medium or anything. Next, we'll finish the movie with shadow puppets. Linkara (vo): We're not that lucky, Nash. We're not that lucky. Nash (vo): Tori goes to tell the JLA about her boss being the baddie, so they introduce her to their leader, the Martian Man--(after seeing how he looks, which is a whole lot fatter than usual)--holy moley! Linkara (vo): Now we know what happened to the rest of the Green Martians: he ate them. Nash (vo): And because Tori has ice powers, they invite her to join the JLA. Martian Manhunter, aka J'onn J'onzz: What seems like a curse can become a gift. Linkara (vo) Cept my damn thyroid condition, that just sucks. Nash (vo): Elsewhere, Martin stops for an ice cream cone with plot contrivance sprinkles. (Fire is shown on TV wearing the same earings he gave B.B.) Martin: Those are my earrings. Wow. Wow! Linkara: Yes, not the fact that it's the same face, the same hair, or that because her "mask" is just make-up over her eyes, no, it's the earrings that betray your secret identity, ha ha ha! If you ever wanted to know how Clark Kent got away with the "glasses" thing, it's not that it's a different posture, a different way of speaking, or anything like that that makes them act differently, it's just that the people of the DC Universe (now quite mad) are complete imbeciles! Nash (vo): Well, Martin confronts Fire on her secret identity. ("Fire" is on one side while B.B.'s on another side) They try to cover by having the Martian Manhunter shapeshift into a duplicate, but with them standing side by side, there is no way he can buy that-- Martin: Well, you wore the earrings-- "Fire": That she loaned me. What, are you calling me a liar? (Linkara and Nash are both stunned stupid that he can't take the hint!) Linkara: Can I borrow your hammer? Nash: (clinging onto his hammer) Mine! B.B.: But I'll see you around, huh? Martin: Au revoire, ma cherie. Linkara (vo, mocking Martin): I'm a go ahead and stalk Starfire, see ya! (Tori is talking to Dr. Eno) Nash (vo): Dr. Eno shows up at Tori's house, having figured out that she has ice powers by doing something no one else in this film can do: pay attention! Eno: You saw they were gonna cut our funding. Now this, and with your powers... Tori: My powers, what are you-- Eno: Come on. The champagne at the party, the kid at the lake, what about the door you froze on the roof? Think about what we could do together. Tori: You're insane! Linkara (vo, mocking Tori): How dare you use common sense in this movie? Nash (vo): Tori takes Eno's briefcase back to the JLA, but instead of the science box, it's a homing device for a giant...(a laser beams down from the sky and into the river) laser. (the laser goes down to the submarine the JLA are in) Linkara (vo): You would think that if you had a giant space based weapon with precise accuracy, that'd be the sort of attack you would lead with, but, well, that would require thinking! Nash (vo): The door shorts out, but the Atom repairs it by using the same trick the TV repairman did: chewing gum! The distance they went for that plot point could circle the earth. Twice! Linkara (vo): So it's off to stop the Weatherman from destroying the city with a tidal wave. (Green Lantern flies out by using a helicopter projection from the ring) Nash: Uh-oh. Think they used the wrong music there. Don't worry, I'll fix it. (he takes the remote to rewind the scene, the music now replaced with the Inspector Gadget theme) (Green Lantern lands on the tower Dr. Eno's in) GL: Change in the forecast! Eno: Dark cloud on an otherwise perfect day. How'd you ever escape? GL: Juicy Fruit. Linkara (vo): And the award for Worst Product Placement goes to... Eno: Initiate sequence. Surf's up. Nash (vo): But Dr. Eno starts the wave and thwarts Green Lantern by...throwing the science box off a cliff. GL: (speaking into a wrist communicator) I can't stop the rain! Linkara (vo): Man, if only Green Lantern could fly! Wait, I mean if Green Lantern wasn't so stupid he forgot he could fly! Nash (vo): All the other heroes are powerless until Tori learns to believe in herself, and her powers. (Tori closes her eyes, then looks up and sees the tidal wave is frozen in front of her) Wow, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. (The kids behind Flash cheer as the day is saved, then cut to Green Lantern lassoing Dr. Eno with a lantern rope) Linkara (vo): Green Lantern captures the Weatherman, and the JLA invite Tori to join their ranks. (B.B. takes out a blue costume) Fire even made her this sweet stripper outfit. (Dr. Eno's in the police truck, reaching in his coat pocket for a laser, beaming it down on the handcuffs. Yes it happens) Nash (vo): But Dr. Eno has...smuggled a laser into prison and uses it to escape? How dumb are these guards? Linkara (vo, mocking the guard): Hey, is that a laser? Nash (vo, mocking Dr. Eno): Uh, no? Linkara (vo, mocking the guard): Uh, okay. (The JLA, with Tori added to the line, now under the name Ice, do a power walk as it fades to the end) Linkara (vo, acting like a narrator): But never fear, New Metro City, because there will always be a Justice League of America! (normal voice) Whether you like it or not. Linkara: So, what did you think? Nash: That...was...awful! (Clips of the movie play as the Justice League cartoon theme plays) Nash (vo): I swear to you people, this thing was pure punishment. Instead of trying to make a show on a par with CBS's other superhero hit of the era, the Flash, or in line with the Burton Batman franchise, the network opted to combine the adventure of superheroes with the aesthetic of "Friends," and succeeded at neither! Linkara (vo): The plot only works if all the characters have severe brain damage, the portrayal of all these characters is completely off-base, and while the special effects are pretty good for it's day, they waste that by not supplying a single worthwhile action scene! You could've lit the budget for this thing on fire and it would've provided more entertainment! Linkara: There's no official release of this pilot, but you smart kids with your Googles and your Youtubes can probably find it somewhere to watch, or be like me and have a bootleg. (taking out the bootleg dvd case) If you hate yourselves. How you holding up, Nash? Nash: Gee, I dunno. My head hurts. My blood pressure has spiked, and wait...yes. I've completely forgotten how to do long division. Why do you ask? Linkara: Oh is that all? I can fix you right up. As it happens, I have a copy of the NBC Wonder Woman pilot here if you wanna watch--(Nash's face turns into a 'fuck-this-I'm-outta-here' expression and gets the hell out) Hmph, I guess not. Oh well, teaches you to diss "Time and the Rani," you stupid, frickin...(Linkara also walks off) Long-haired hippie freak! (We finally come to the credits) (One more clip of Ray limboing under the laser) Category:Guides